Enabling vs. Supporting: Understanding the Difference in Healthy Relationships
When we care about someone who is struggling—whether it’s with a substance use disorder, mental health challenges, or personal difficulties—it’s natural to want to help. However, there is a fine line between supporting someone in a healthy way and enabling behaviors that can contribute to their continued struggles. Understanding the difference between enabling and supporting is crucial for fostering growth, accountability, and long-term well-being for both the individual in need and the person offering help.
What Is Enabling?
Enabling occurs when our actions, though well-intentioned, allow a person to continue engaging in unhealthy or self-destructive behaviors without facing the natural consequences of their actions. Enabling can take many forms, such as:
Covering for someone’s mistakes (e.g., calling in sick for them at work when they were too intoxicated to show up).
Providing financial assistance that fuels harmful habits (e.g., giving money to someone with a gambling or substance use issues, even if they promise to use it for necessities).
Minimizing or denying the severity of the problem (e.g., downplaying a loved one’s excessive drinking or emotional outbursts as “just a phase”).
Taking over responsibilities that the struggling individual should be handling (e.g., constantly paying their rent or bailing them out of legal trouble).
Enabling often stems from love, fear, guilt, or a sense of duty, but it ultimately prevents the individual from taking responsibility for their actions and learning how to navigate life’s challenges in a healthy way.
What Does Healthy Support Look Like?
Supporting, on the other hand, involves empowering the person to take control of their own life while offering compassion and encouragement. Healthy support includes:
Setting boundaries that protect your well-being while promoting their accountability (e.g., “I love you, but I won’t lend you money if it’s not going toward something constructive”).
Encouraging professional help and healthy coping mechanisms (e.g., suggesting therapy, support groups, or rehabilitation programs).
Providing emotional support without enabling destructive behaviors (e.g., listening without judgment but not excusing harmful actions).
Offering guidance rather than control (e.g., helping someone brainstorm job opportunities rather than filling out applications for them).
Healthy support allows individuals to take ownership of their problems while knowing they have a network of care to turn to when they make positive choices.
The Emotional Challenges of Shifting from Enabling to Supporting
Making the shift from enabling to supporting isn’t always easy. It often involves stepping back, even when it feels counterintuitive or painful. Some common emotional challenges include:
Guilt: You might feel like you’re abandoning your loved one by refusing to help in ways you used to.
Fear of conflict: Setting boundaries can lead to push back, anger, or emotional outbursts from the person struggling.
Worry about their well-being: Watching someone face the consequences of their actions can be distressing, especially if their struggles are severe.
It’s important to remind yourself that true support sometimes means allowing someone to experience difficulties so they can grow and learn. Seeking therapy or support groups (such as Al-Anon for families of individuals with substance use disorders) can provide guidance and reassurance as you navigate this shift.
Practical Steps to Move from Enabling to Supporting
If you suspect that you’ve been enabling rather than supporting, here are some steps you can take:
Identify Enabling Patterns: Reflect on your past actions and recognize where you may have shielded someone from the natural consequences of their behavior.
Set Clear Boundaries: Decide what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate and communicate these boundaries firmly but lovingly.
Allow Consequences to Unfold: Resist the urge to rescue someone from the results of their actions unless their safety is at immediate risk.
Encourage Responsibility: Offer support that promotes self-sufficiency, such as helping someone find a therapist rather than trying to “fix” their problems yourself.
Take Care of Yourself: Supporting someone should never come at the cost of your own well-being. Seek therapy, practice self-care, and engage in activities that bring you joy.
Final Thoughts
The difference between enabling and supporting can sometimes feel subtle, but it makes all the difference in fostering long-term growth and recovery. By setting boundaries, encouraging personal responsibility, and providing compassionate but firm support, you can help your loved one—and yourself—move toward a healthier, more sustainable future. If you find yourself struggling with this balance, working with a therapist can provide personalized guidance and help you navigate these complex dynamics with clarity and confidence.
At Silver Lining we work with many clients who are learning how to shift from enabling to supporting. To learn more about what we offer, click on the "Start Today" button, complete our form, and someone will reach out to you in 24-48 hours. We look forward to talking with you!